Smell Nice

Do: Make an effort; aftershave and breath mints can go a long way. Okay, we might not bite chunks out of your ass but it’ll definitely make a difference. So you’ve been at work for nine hours, had seven coffees, four beers and a kebab – but we don’t need to know it. Now if you smell really good you might even get me close. Really close… Don’t: Smell my hair, my skin or my knickers. That’s just creepy.

Don’t Be Afraid To Flirt

Do: Make us laugh. But be original boys, we hear the same lame shit every night. Be nice, pay compliments. They’re free and your number might go in her bag and not in the bin. Establish a rapport and build it, we’re girls first and dancers second. So dust off the patter. Don’t: Confuse a boner for a compliment. Honestly.

Remember Lying Isn’t Cool

Do: Tell the truth. If you work for the Inland Revenue – or somewhere equally unglamorous -you’re allowed a little white lie, but make it believable. No, not a porn star, and not a retired one either. Don’t: Think “I know she’s a dancer but she really likes me!” We lie. We’re allowed to.

Top Her Up

Do: Buy a girl a drink. Sometimes it’s hard to say no when that bronzed pair of 32DDs is pressed up against you, if you don’t want that dancer to say, “no, but I’ll buy you a drink.” You’ve easily defused the situation for a fraction of the cost. Oh, and buy champagne; you’re guaranteed popularity. Don’t: Get hammered. Falling over, falling asleep, acting a moron and the inevitable sore head and painful credit-card bill wasn’t what you had planned.

Handle Your Money In The Right Way

Do: When it comes to strip club etiquette, it’s essential to know how to use your money. Use cash; it’s cheaper, you’re more in control and the girls will prefer it. Also, you can probably put it on the expense account; receipts from strip clubs usually feature company names, so it can almost always be passed off as food and drink for expenses. Plus you’re less likely to get in trouble at home. If you’re particularly excitable, give your credit card to a trustworthy mate. Do not give your credit card to an equally excitable mate.

Learn How To Tip

Do: Tip the girls you like. They’ll remember you next time and you’re guaranteed it’ll be money well spent. 25% of spending is a pretty good guide for anyone you think is special. It’s a good strategy to tip the door and bar staff every so often. It’s pretty cool to be remembered on only your second visit – and for the right reasons too. Don’t: Be a pushover or feel the need to tip everyone. Conversely, don’t expect “a little something extra” for paying that little bit more.

Make Friends With The Right People

Do: Become friends with the owner. It’s a great way to impress the girls and your mates while getting the obligatory free drinks and dances. You get hassled less, given more and invited to stay on after. Attempt this with caution, as this tip is for advanced players only. Don’t: Under any circumstances get up and dance. Never. Ever. Using these strip club etiquette tips well could take you from paying a stripper to dating a stripper. And you know you want that. For maximum effectiveness, don’t tell your mates; you’ll look even better while they act like socially-inept Neanderthals.

Lap Dance Etiquette

Lap Dance bars: Can you think of anything more perfect? Almost-naked beautiful women, beer… OK, that’s all we’ve got so far, but you have to admit that’s all pretty close to perfect. However, you can’t just walk into a strip joint and act the way your caveman’s brain is telling you. No jumping on the nearest piece of flesh — there are rules to follow. While lap dance etiquette is inevitably stacked (pun not intended) in favour of the girls, these rules also benefit you. Be respectful and you’ll be allowed back into this little slice of paradise. The alternative? Your butt will make friends with the gutter outside the club very quickly.

Know The House Rules

Every strip club has its own rules. These rules are written in stone. If the big, flashing sign on the wall says “No Touching,” you can bet your ass that your hands will not be an exception to the rule. Every cell in your body might be telling you not to sit on your sweaty little palms while a semi-naked girl grinds your thigh, but if that’s what you’ve got to do, then that’s what you’ve got to do, period. The simplest way to maintain proper lap dance etiquette form is to follow the house rules as if they were the Ten Commandments. If you don’t, your face, wallet and raging libido won’t be welcome there again.

Be Clean

This is another glaring, do-not-ever-break rule of lap dance etiquette. Don’t turn up smelling like a dead homeless dude. Before you head out, shower and prep as if you were heading out on a date. In fact, take it one step further because you know you’ll be getting up-close and personal with someone. The key to lap dance etiquette is to make it pleasant for your dancer. Make sure you smell good and banish any bad breath you suspect you might have. However, you also don’t want to overdo it. Drenching yourself in cologne is worse than not wearing any at all. Present yourself as you would to a potential date – we’re not suggesting she’s going to go home with you at the end of the night, but you want to make sure that, at very least, she’s enjoying her work.

Have Money

Never turn up to a strip bar with just enough money for beer. If you’re going there intending to have got a lap dance, this is a bit of a no-brainer. However, even if you’re just heading out with the boys — with no intention of enjoying the delights on offer – proper lap dance etiquette suggests you should always pack a few extra bills. The last thing you want is to be presented with the opportunity for a dance from an absolute goddess only to have to turn it down because you didn’t follow proper lap dance etiquette and bring enough cash. It’s not just the frustration that’ll get you down; by the time you’ve finished counting the loose change in your wallet, every girl in the place will have you pegged as “the poor guy” and will avoid you like the plague.

No Grabbing

Occasionally, just occasionally, you’ll come across the epitome of perfection in the lap dance world: a bar that lets you touch the girl. They really do exist. You may have to travel out of state or even internationally until you stumble across one, but they really are out there. However, finding one is no excuse to go crazy. Maintain proper lap dance etiquette and be respectful — this means absolutely no pawing at her. It works better for you too, believe it or not. Half the fun of a lap dance is the restraint and frustration, which goes straight out the window the second you have half her boob in your hand. So, no lunging at her as if she were a piece of prime rib at a buffet, please.

No Crazy Requests

Everyone has those strange sexual tastes that aren’t quite vanilla. That dark, seedy side you want to explore, only you don’t know how to bring it up with your woman at home. Well, the strip joint is no place to bring it up either. Believe it or not, a strip club is not a place where anything goes. You might harbour a foot fetish and feel the need to ask your lap dancer to rub her feet on your groin, but that’s not part of her job description. Likewise, anything involving props, detailed role-play or strange outfits isn’t going to happen – she’s not a prostitute; she’s a dancer, a performer, and you need to remember this. There are places out there that do offer women on staff who can fulfil your sexual fantasies, but a strip joint is not that place.

Always Tip

OK, so you’ve already paid for the dance, but what’s the rule on tipping? Is service included in the bill? Is it always 10%? Do you only give it if the dance was good? The simple rule is: Always tip. Be honest; there’s no such thing as a “bad” lap dance, and they only get better the more you tip. Remember, the dancers are only there to make money and if word gets around that you’re a tipper, you’ll get increasingly hotter dances as they compete for your hard-earned cash. Just don’t expect to leave with anything other than the shirt on your back by the end of the night.